The Rejoicing Victims

Today I was reading along in the book of Acts when a few verses in particular caught my attention.  Acts 5:40-42.  The NASB says this:

"They took his advice; and after calling the apostles in, they flogged them and ordered them not to speak in the name of Jesus, and then released them.  So they went on their way from the presence of the Council, rejoicing that they had been considered worthy to suffer shame for His name.  And every day, in the temple and from house to house, they kept right on teaching and preaching Jesus as the Christ."

In this portion of scripture, the apostles were having a good time sharing about Christ with people, when they were politely asked not to continue with their teaching anymore.  Ok, not so politely asked...they were flogged and ordered not to speak in the name of Jesus any longer.  

The Holy Spirit used their reaction to convict me...they left "rejoicing that they had been considered worthy to suffer shame for His name", and they continued teaching and preaching.  Wow.  How selfish I am.  I've never been flogged for my beliefs, but I'm pretty sure if it happened yesterday my reaction wouldn't have been one of rejoicing.  It would've been one of ... crying and whining.  There would have been a lot of "Why me, God?" and "I thought you took care of those who loved you, God!" going on.  

When I got on my knees and told Jesus that I wanted to follow and serve Him, that I wanted to give Him my life, and that I trusted Him...did I actually mean it?  Because it sure seems that I've not quite given my life to Him.  It seems like maybe I've invited Him to participate in aspects of my life.  


These verses really caused me to take a harder look at my heart than I've done in a while.  It's hard to admit to myself that I'm not (yet) quite the Christian I desire to be.  Of course I knew I wasn't perfect...but I hadn't realized I was such a...Sissy Christian.  Such a flake!  How can I say that I want to be obedient in everything God asks of me, that I want to be able to be used by Him for His purposes, if I only want to participate in things that are best for me and me alone?  Or rather, that SEEM best for me! 


I do want to become someone that God can trust to be obedient...someone that He can use to advance His kingdom.  I desire to be someone that can be used by God in Mind-Blowing-Life-Altering ways, and yet give Him all the glory without selfishness...to have truly given myself to Him to the point of being glad of affliction I receive for serving Him, because that would mean He was big enough in me and through me to have caught some attention in the first place!


Here's the other thing...often in life I've had a rough day, a bummer week.  Something "awful" has happened, and I've been occasionally guilty of turning to God in anger.  Wondering where He was, and why He had left me alone between a rock and a hard place.  Over and over I'm seeing (in scripture and in my own life) that sometimes that "rock" and that "hard place" aren't really what they seem to be.  Sometimes that "rock" is God's hand of protection, and that "hard place" is really mercy that I'm not at all deserving of.  For example, in this bit of Acts the apostles were flogged.  But in Acts 5:33, a little bit earlier, we read that the Council had originally intended on killing the apostles.  Because of the advice of an (ironically) wise Pharisee, they were only flogged and let go with a warning.  


We may never know, when going through "tough times", what God has actually delivered us from.  We may never see the "bigger picture", and be able to rejoice with understanding in who God is, and what He wants for our lives...especially if we're only giving Him part of us, and clinging onto the rest ourselves out of selfishness and fear of losing control.  I'm a more fearful person than I realized.  There, I admitted it...I am sometimes afraid of what giving ALL of me to God might mean for me and my earthly future.  But the truth is, hanging onto a bit of control is actually more frightening.  In my head I know how well God takes care of those who are faithful to Him.  I know about His love, provision and protection.  I know that living a life that glorifies Him may make the difference between my being killed, or only being flogged.  Knowing isn't enough...and on this journey of mine, new understanding must lead to action on my part...


Lord, transform my heart.  Remove this selfish desire to maintain control.  I realize that in reality, I can control so little of what goes on in my life and world.  Open my eyes to see who You really are...I trust You with all of my life, and I give it to you again now with all of my heart.